The ‘Arnie’ Effect

IBD Crohns disease and colitis humour

I guess anyone with IBD can relate to this. But for anyone reading that doesn’t get it, here’s a brief explanation of how to achieve the ‘Arnie’ effect 🙂

IBD Crohns disease and colitis humour

Step one: Get yourself an inflammatory bowel disease. (Sorry folks, it’s not available to everyone but there are two to choose from)

Step two: Wait for your body to tell you it needs to poop. (You won’t have to wait too long)

Step three: Go to the bathroom throne and attempt to evacuate the poop.

Step four: Sit on the throne for all eternity.

Step five: Fail to evict the lodger trying to poke it’s head out of your bumhole.

Step six: Stand up and feel cheated. Have a gentle wipe just to check that everything is as clean as when you sat down. (Watch out for the blood)

Step seven: Wait to get some feeling back in your blood starved legs from sitting so long, before attempting to walk.

Step eight: Exit the bathroom. (Now’s the time to utter that famous phrase “I’LL BE BACK”)

Step nine: Run back to the bathroom with the irresistibly urgent need to poop.

Step ten: Brace yourself for a dramatic and colourful explosion, it’s coming! Now sit tight while you play a loud and embarrassing tune with your bottom and allow the blood, mucus and poop to flood out in a flurry of pain, wind and tears.

Congratulations! You have now achieved the ‘Arnie’ effect and remember, you’ll be back 🙂

At all stages outlined above make sure you don’t forget to double up in agony, sweat a lot and generally feel awful to achieve the full, glorious effect.

Repeat this process as many times as possible. (Like you’ll have a choice!)

If you’re not completely satisfied with the effect, please feel free to cheat and eat something.

Always keep bleach and ‘Toilet Duck’ handy for the clean up operation afterwards.

Baby wipes are optional but I recommend coarse toilet roll for added pain and discomfort after the event 🙂

Thanks for reading and please add your comments below 🙂

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