Follow up appointments are great don’t you think?
Never know quite what to expect and the consultant’s face rarely gives anything away!
So, I turn up at the hospital, I wait, I get called in to the consultant’s office. Pleasantries exchanged we get down to business and as always, the first thing is to climb onto the bed, pull down my trousers and await the slippery finger intrusion. OUCH! This time I could not tolerate the slightest pressure applied to my ever suffering chocolate starfish and the attempt was aborted.
Trousers back where they belong I sat down at the desk and listened as the surgeon announced I was going to have a colonoscopy.
He handed me a prescription for an enema and informed me that he would carry out the procedure himself and that I would need Entonox (Gas & Air) to cope because of the high level of pain around my rear exit!
My appointment was for late afternoon, I had very little to eat that day figuring it would make the enema a less dramatic affair.
Around an hour before I was due to set off to hospital I uncorked the bottle, inserted the nozzle (GENTLY!) and squeezed the clear contents up my jacksy. The instructions read ‘Hold in the contents for as long as possible’! Well, I can tell you it was NOT possible to hold it in for very long at all 🙂
Houston, we have lift off. I was ready, lying on the bed wearing nothing below the waist, just a few short steps to the loo, even so, I only just made it! I’ll leave the expulsion to your imagination, three consecutive expulsions actually, each as violent as the one before 🙂 At one point I wondered if I would actually be able to leave the house let alone make the 20 minute journey to hospital!
Well, I did and I reported to the colonoscopy unit a little early. The receptionist couldn’t find my notes, a flurry of activity and mumbled telephone calls revealed that someone had delivered the wrong notes, similar NHS number, same surname, wrong person!
Now my confidence was rocked, now I wondered if I would even get the procedure done!
I felt a little relief when a nurse called me into a side room to go through a few details and sign a consent form, she warned me of possible issues the colonoscopy could cause, but I really didn’t care at this point, I was hyped and primed and just wanted to get on with it. She told me that during the probing, the best thing to do was fart, let out the air they would pump up my asshole, she also told me that its likely that I have piles, nothing more, that’s what they usually find in patients complaining of rectal bleeding. I hoped she was right, I hoped that’s all it was, but I knew it was more than that in the back of my mind.
My name was called, I followed a nurse through to the ‘room of doom’ and was given a pair of ‘Dignity Shorts’ to put on, not very fashionable but they covered my willy region and left the business end exposed and ready for the impending invasion!
I was asked to lie down on my left hand side while the consultant and three other nurses took up their positions to the rear. One of them leaned over me and handed me a nozzle to suck on, just breathe deeply she said, it will make you feel dizzy and ease the pain. I sucked hard, I knew this was going to hurt!
The doctor first tried to insert his lubricated finger, OMG that hurt and he stopped, then he said ‘The finger is worse than what’s next’ the nurses started sniggering, I burst out laughing and replied ‘I bet you say that on all the first dates’ 🙂 I couldn’t believe we were all laughing under these circumstances, I at least could blame it on the Entonox 🙂
Well, the scope was sooooo painful on entry, once in though and passed the back door it eased, the gas they pumped in was also painful and I remembered what I had been told and let out a very long and satisfying fart!
I started to watch my insides getting probed on a monitor on the other side of the room, this didn’t make me feel squeamish, I was simply fascinated that this was the inner most part of me, live on a screen! I didn’t watch for long though, the pain became too much, I was sucking on that Entonox like a little piglet on its mothers nipple, tears were running freely down my face and I twice attempted to pull the camera out, both times getting restrained by the nurses who constantly tried to reassure and comfort me.
At some point a nurse cleaned my leg and gave me an injection, no idea why or what it was for, I remember hoping it was to knock me out but no such luck, I just felt the needle go in!
I can honestly say that was the most painful 20 minutes of my life, period. Next time I’m having sedation! Anyway, I was wheeled into recovery and offered some soap and paper towels to clean up my tender hole while I waited for the consultant to come and explain the findings.
Now I’m not sure what I expected when he came in, maybe a little sugar coating, maybe a chat to soften the blow, but NO! He marched right in to the recovery room and without delay told me I had Crohn’s Colitis and ‘Other’ issues that would need treating, he asked if the pain was worse in my belly or my bottom.
Then he simply said, I’ll be in touch, get yourself off home. What? No explanation of the ‘Treatment’? No indication of when I will receive any treatment? I was too shocked to even ask a question, I just accepted his words with a polite nod, thanked him and he left! I hadn’t realised that the delivery of bad news would be so direct and ‘matter of fact’.
So, as I finish writing this blog post it’s been over two weeks waiting for the results of the biopsies before a follow up appointment will be made. I’m beyond anxious and I’ve spent far too much time researching Crohn’s and Colitis, but I believe that information is King and I’ve learned that Google is a scary place for reading about ANY disease 🙂
Thanks for reading and please add your comments below 🙂