December 28th, time for another delightful, anal probing at the colonoscopy unit, which meant that December 27th was Moviprep day 😦
I know ‘Moviprep’ sounds like you’re getting ready for an entertaining day out at the cinema, but it ain’t quite that pleasant, although it is entertaining…. in a twisted sort of way.
The Devil’s potion was dutifully mixed at 6:00 pm and bunged in the fridge to make it more palatable (It really doesn’t). One litre of weapons grade laxative sat there, eagerly waiting for its chance to give my digestive system a damn good flushing.
At 7:00 pm I began the shuddering process of forcing it down my throat. One litre over the next hour and a half was guzzled, gagged on and swallowed, followed by half a litre of fresh water.
I hadn’t eaten since 12:00 pm so I figured there wouldn’t be too much of a violent reaction because there wouldn’t be that much food inside me to push through my system.
Around 9:00 pm I had a pretty strong pain in my guts, it felt like some one had stuck their fist up my arse and were squeezing my giblets HARD! But still no poop was about to poke it’s head out of my bum hatch.
Tick, tock, tick, tock went the clock until around 9:15 when I felt the ‘drop’ in my bowel, I casually undid my dressing gown and slowly got up to make my way to the porcelain throne, I tried so hard to play it cool, but Moviprep was having none of it, I ran and slid on the laminate floor, the urgency growing ever stronger, foolish really because if I’d have fallen over, the house would have needed a total jet wash and redecorating, make no mistake, Moviprep brings on a powerful case of projectile pooping, resistance is futile 🙂
I made it to the loo, pulling down my pants as I spun around and reversed quickly into position, just before I made contact with the ‘seat of relief’ the whooooooooooosh of uncontrollable, bum gravy blew out of my trap door , that was a split second close call 🙂
Whooooosh, followed whoooooosh, followed whooooosh, semi solid at first then more of a ‘Bum Wee’, gallons of bum wee it seemed 🙂
Phew, I eventually got up, showered my tender orifice and felt glad that it was over……….. however, bubble followed gurgle as I was leaving the bathroom and I reversed back in there with expert precision as more whoooooshing began, Jesus, I never ate that much, I was sure I’d started to poop out my own organs! Another clean up operation followed and I finally managed to exit the bathroom, I’d missed most of ‘Battleship’ on TV (One of my favourite movies) good grief, I must have been pooping for almost an hour!
Anyway, long story short, this went on for at least another hour before I felt confident enough to go to bed, I badly needed some sleep, I had to get up early for the second session of Moviprep madness at 6:00 am.
First thing next morning I was stood having a wee wee and as usual a little fart came on, I don’t know what I was thinking but I just helped it out with a gentle shove, BAD MISTAKE! My butthole was aimed the wrong way for such a risky action, I skillfully nipped my bum cheeks together, simultaneously wheeling around my body whilst lowering the toilet seat and beginning to squat down, all with a ballerina like grace and poise, I relaxed my cheeks and thanked God I’d stemmed the flow just long enough to assume ‘The Position’ and release the deluge down the pan instead of all over the bathroom door. Fact is it came out with such force I’d have blown the door off the hinges and would be steam cleaning the hall in a protective suit later 🙂
I had half a litre of the weapons grade laxative afterwards and really didn’t need more, I was now just bum weeing clear water at around 120 P.S.I minimum. My stomach muscles ached, my chocolate starfish was smarting and I was convinced I no longer needed a colonoscopy because my bowel was hanging out now all ready for inspection, the hospital could simply check it and then stuff it back inside when they’ve finished 🙂
I set off for the hospital appointment just before lunchtime, unsure if I would get there without an anal ejaculation in my friends car, that would have been awkward, my arse spurting like an Exocet missile launch, forcing my head through the sunroof, but I survived the trip thankfully and reported for my rear invasion in plenty of time……. but that’s another story for another post 🙂
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